not enough islands

no one understands

not enough hold

yet everything told

wanting to leave it all behind

this chaotic world, so unkind

always letting me feel I do not belong

always showing me that I am wrong

how to break out of the dark into the light

how long strong enough for a never ending fight

heading for the darker shades again and again

don´t worry, I´ll be back, just don´t know when

Nothing ever stays the same or stands still, not even the self. Most will not notice the constant change we are undergoing, others suffer by and through it but some will see it as a chance. In the end we are all changelings. A fact that gives each and every one of us the chance to grow better. As with everything in life it is hard work but it can be done. I will prove it...to my self.

Is that really so? Sometimes I feel that I can´t even walk up a hill anymore let alone climb up a mountain. Where does all my strength go? Is it all really worth it?  I have been thinking about my life. All the time I wasted. I am ready now to let it all be in the past but the hardest part of letting it all go is to find a way to let you know. No more crying over loosing things that I never found and never will. Maybe we should just cry on each others shoulders, cry until it´s over? Can´t it just be over?  It´s time to move on and have since found my reason why. 

where no one and nothing reaches me

when no one and nothing is there to see

where never and nowhere mean a lot

when the universe becomes just a dot

somehow in that God forbidden dark space

somehow I manage to still remember your face

somewhere inside there is a part of me too

that will forever belong to you

do we choose not to forget

instead to cling to pictures in my head

a way of controlling something I cannot

because in your universe I am just a dot

you think I do not see yet I am watching

you think I do not hear yet I am listening

you think I do not feel yet I am touched

you think I do not know yet I understand

we do not need words to tell our stories

we do not need laughter to share happiness

we do not need tears to know our sorrow

we do not need to be touch to hold each other

http://d.asset.soup.io/asset/2953/7677_6ecc.gif

everywhere and nowhere

neither here nor there

flying on an ashes day

has never been the phoenix way

tired but content

finally I land

no more flying today tonight

but dreaming of the next flight

I am about to learn an important lesson,

that I must accept disappointment

but never lose hope.

Everyone must learn that lesson.

the choice is not to get on the ground but how

if I don´t...they´ll shoot me down

and then I´ll hit the ground

and so I am dancing my kind of a dance

it´s part of me, my choosen trance

it is a lonely time but it needs to be

this dance is one that no one else must see

tire myself of everything inside and out

it´s who I am beyond any doubt

a dance about all I ever felt und more

I turn and turn until I am on the floor

only breathing reminds me that I am alive

only believing guarantess that I will survive

loosing myself into my world all  on my own

the only safe place I have ever known

but it means taking a step back, away from it all

life´s about going forward, rise not fall

so I am dancing my kind of a dance

this time I am seeing it a a chance

When you are away from the people that mean the world to you

you realise that there is a hole where they are supposed to be.

A hole that you will find yourself constantly reminded of during the day

and in which you will fall at night.

Richard , Livvy , Alice and Elijah, I missed you like hell.

I have been given another lesson in "How to deal with rejection" today. 371,2km from home.

I won´t run this time, this time I will stay and walk through my worst nightmare. 371,2km from home.

A challenge is a general term refering to things that are imbued with a sense of difficulty and victory. Every day of my life has been a challenge and every new day will be. Tomorrow more so than ever. I won´t give up on me even if it gets really rough, I´ll be still looking up. I´ve got a lot to learn but God knows I am worth it. I don´t want to be someone who walks away from everything. I am here and I have got a lot at stake. I will not break, will not burn even if the world caves in. I´ll be still looking up. I´ve got a life to live. So challenge accepted.

Gibt es

Momente, die für immer bleiben,

Geschichten, die sich von selber schreiben?

Gibt es

Menschen, die niemals von mir gehen,

deren Augen immer nur Gutes sehen?

Gibt es 

ein Glück, dass man mit anderen teilen kann,

so dass alle glücklich sind irgendwann?

Gibt es

das Gold am Ende von jedem Regenbogen

oder ist es auch nur gelogen?

Gibt es

einen Platz, an den die Träume gehen,

wenn wir keine Hoffnung mehr sehen?

somewhere nowhere

just me no one else in sight

yet I don´t feel lonely

in fact I am alright

just me with my thoughts

and hopes and dreams

just me with an inner voice

that screams

step into the light away from  the dark

follow my path in my own way

just me as who I am

listening to what I have to say

just me standing tall and strong

conquering  fear every waking hour

walking through it never looking back

just me leaving my ivory tower

If there is an answer then what was the question?

Are questions there to be answered?

What happens to the question after it has been answered?

Can´t we just be happy with a question and leave it at that?

Do we have to understand everything? Why? To be in control?

Why can´t we lose control now and then? Aren´t questions the

way forward? I constantly ask myself questions. Always have 

done, always will do. Everytime I think I know an answer to one

of my questions I most likely misunderstood the question.

I prefer complicated questions that have simple answers to 

simple questions that are complicated to answer.

Anyway, I think the key to being clever is knowing the right 

questions not the correct answers.

Any questions?

nowhereland is where I am from

nowhereland is where I belong

no matter how I feel inside

no matter how hard I try to hide

nowhereland is home for me

it´s the only place to be

running away never a solution

sad and late but the right conclusion

wasn´t I happy there before?

why then did I want to have more?

maybe it´s not for me to reach for the stars?

don´t want to have any more scars

so back to the only place I feel secure

my haven that I understand for sure

returning before it is too late

turn towards love away from hate

turn towards me away from you

it´s not easy please believe that to be true

it is the hardest thing I will ever have to do

there comes a time when it all has to end

when we realise there is nothing more to mend

when it´s too broken to try to repair

that´s why nowhereland is there

nowhereland is where I come from

and ... nowhereland is where I belong 

reached out again for something not meant to be mine

telling myself it´s gonna be fine

putting on a brave face, marching to an unfamiliar tune

like believing in the man on the moon

if I let it it will come to me

with shut eyes no one can see

it doesn´t feel like it today

but I know it will come good one day

who´s to hear me

when I call

who´s to catch me

when I fall

who´s to explain

when I ask

who´s to look

behind my mask

Die Frage des Tages:

Kann ein Mensch nachholen, was er in den sensiblen Phasen der frühen Kindheit verpasst hat?

The question of the day:

Can a person catch up with what he missed out on during the sensitive phases of the early childhood?

you are a million miles away

yet close enough to still hear what I say

my arms stretched out in front of me

too far away for you to see

shouting through an invisible wall

helplessly watching, seeing you fall

the feeling doesn´t leave me that there´s nothing I can do

I am beginning to believe that I cannot get through

through to you wherever you are

I am a million miles away, it is too far

strength leaves me as I am sure it does you

There are people who walk into my life and I am glad about it. But when they walk out I do not miss them. Coming and going. Such is life.

There are people who I want to walk into my life but they don´t. I do not know them yet I miss them. Loss without really loosing. Such is life.

There are people who walk into my life and become such an integral part of it that I cannot imagine life without them. No matter where they are they are in my life for good. Treasures. It feels good to have such people, my people. Life is beautiful.

Sometimes I know exactly where I am supposed to be

yet I am not there

I am not there because I choose not to be there.

Sometimes I know exactly what I am expected to do

yet I do not do it

I do not do it because I choose not to do it.

Today is one of those days where I am being true to myself. That is the reason why I am being somewhere else and doing something else. I don´t know if what I do is right or wrong, all I know is that it is what I need to do, maybe even what I want to do. If it is wrong than I will know one day and I might regret it for there will be no way of putting it right. But I can´t  win or lose, there really isn´t a right or a wrong. But either way I will have to live with the consequences of my decision.

Sometimes all I know is that there is no way of knowing.

Happy birthday anyway.

Journeys into the unknown are never easy 

you never know where you will arrive 

never know what will wait for you there

never know who you will meet and what they´ll be like

never know if you will return and how

never know what it will do to you 

never know the outcome 

never knowing that´s the adventure part of it

that is what makes the journey worth taking.

Every day of my life has been a journey into the unknown

I am beginning to look forward to these journeys now 

The easiest way to loose fear is to walk right through it.

No one is ever going to take your place next to me

I am so sorry it´s not like me, not how I want to be

I am lacking so many things but who is to know

I´ll make sure that it won´t show

better not to slip and fall

better for me, for you, better for us all.

I`ll make sure to keep my distance

say things only when you´re not listening.

No one is ever going to take your place, you see

no one will ever mean that much to me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=M2zxZCMzJig

It´s the song that is on my mind, in my brain today. I can´t get rid of it and to be honest with you I don´t want to. It played on the radio and just stuck with me. I know that it will wear out and disappear again but right now it allows me to feel. It is difficult to explain but right now this song gives me all that what neurotypical people get from hugs and touching. Temple Grandin needs her "hug machine", I just need the right song at the right time. It is not the whole song, just parts of it. When I was younger and had my first walkman ( it was a life saver ), I used to record the same song over and over and listen to it for hours. In really bad times I would just listen to one and the same sequence of a song which would get shorter and shorter. I´d wear a song out in a day because I would become addicted to it. Once I have worn out a song, I am in a desperate need to find a new one. Nowadays though I always have two or three that will do the job. That´s also why I have my earphones on most of the time. Listening to that particular song calmes me down, helps me to function, to concentrate, to relax, to feel...It´s my favourite stimming but not my only one and it´s not particularly socially adaquate. But it´s something I need. For a while it makes me function. For a while it brings order in a world that is chaos otherwise. 

Autism is a developmental disorder. With most autistic children there is development. Sometimes it is amazing and sudden but more often it happens in very small if not tiny steps. So tiny that it is almost invisible to the untrained neurotypical eye. But not only because the progress is so slow or the steps are so small but also because of the way neurotypical people perceive the world. Their perception is based on what they have experienced so far and also on what they expect. Their experiences and expectations are based on how they see and understand the world. Seems to me that autistic people sort of confuse or even interrupt that system. Don´t get me wrong it is a working system. Society could not function without people being able to behave socially adaquate which is made possible by the perception being based on experiences and expectancies. I feel that this is what keeps us apart. What stops NTs from being able to understand autism. What stops autistic people from being able to fit in. It´s a perception problem. It´s not what we see, hear and feel but what our brain does with the incoming information. So it´s back to the brain again. Autism is a neurological disorder. But the brain can be trained and retrained. Stroke patients prove that every day. The brain seeks and finds compensation strategies. Amputees prove that every day. With autism the brain is the problem but also the solution. Not at all easy to find but not impossible either. So let´s keep looking! No matter how long it will take!

Today has been a rather hard day for me. None of the people I encountered will have noticed so I wonder what it would be like if I told them or all of you what I am really like. Let you all in on my charade? What if I told you what was really going on? No more hiding, no more acting, no more giving you what you want to see. On days like this, this song plays over and over in my head as it describes how I feel perfectly. So I thought I share it with you.  You know why I don´t tell you? Because you would see me differently, too differently. And that would be a bad thing. Still I wonder what it would be like.

Jason Walker "What if I told you"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj50BVJ8p9Y

At the end of the day the batteries are running very low. At the end of a hard day I might run out of energy all together. Today is one of those days where the batteries are empty. It doesn´t mean it wasn´t a good day just that it took a lot of energy to make it look good for all the people I was in contact with today. I wish it wasn´t such hard work just to appear reasonably normal. I noticed my little "failures" today which is something new. Normally they would stick out and be noticed by others who would or would not point them out to me, depending how well the know me. But today no pointing out was needed, I saw them myself. It will be a great help in adjusting my behaviour when I am with other people but it also means loss. I will in future be able to supress them in order to fit in better. Okay, I benefit from that too but I also lose part of myself. It seems to me that I have to give up myself piece by piece as I step into the world step by step. I wonder whether it is worth it...at the end of the day.

the tough got going. And so we did. Elijah was diagnosed aged just over 2 and a half years old. It took us almost one year to get to this point. A lot of time that could and should have been used differently. Early diagnosis and effective intervention is vital with autism. In Germany and in England babies have regular check ups but unfortunately no one checks for signs of autism. It´s not rocket sience. The Mifne Center in Israel does it and so could pediatricians anywhere else too. Mifne states the following as markers for autism

1.Excessive passivity (lack of crying, lack of interest in surroundings) ... That was Elijah from birth until around 18 months old

2. Excessive activity (lack of physical calmness, incessant crying) ... Elijah screamed for hours on end without any obvious reason and without responding to any soothing

3. Refusal or resistance to feeding or nursing (breastfeeding/others) ... he was fine with breastfeeding but had a real food refusal phase from age two and a half for a few months which was really scary and he had to be put on a trip to survive

4. Lack of reaction to voice or presence of a parent (doesn’t turn his head, doesn’t smile, doesn’t babble) yes very obvious in Elijah, he did cry when he saw me but if I stepped out of sight he would stop never turning his head even if I still spoke to him. There were no smiles for us and no babble but he did smile to himself and spoke a few words around age 12 months of age.

5. Aversion to parental touch (or any other person) I did carry him in a baby carrier for almost 6 hours every day and because of the breats feeding we had a lot of body contact but he never sought it and he hated being massaged or having cream put on.

6. Lack of direct eye contact (can follow objects) no eye contact and he did not follow objects with his eyes and did not react to sound ( no ID . Intentionality Detector)

7. Delayed motor development (followed by hypotonic/high stiff muscle tone) very late roller, sitter, crawler and walker...nearly lost ability to sit and walk at age 19 months. After that walked unsteady as if he were to fall at any minute. 

8. Rapid growth of the circumference of the head (in relation to the initial point). He had to have T-Shirts and Sweaters with zips and buttons (which he chewed off) from around 6 months until aged 6y.

At least two characteristics of the eight signs must exist, over a period of at least three weeks.

So there you are. How can it be that no health visitor in the UK and no doctor or pediatrician in Germany picked any of this up? How can it be that I was repeatedly told that he would be fine? How can it be that they did not check for these signs? Did not take my concerns and worries seriously? I told them on the day after he was born that something was wrong. It took nearly three years until he started with autismspecific therapy and that was only one hour a week!

Today is World Autism Awareness Day. I invited people to the New Town Hall in Leipzig to my Art of Inclusion exhibition. It is not at all easy for me to deal with people. If at all I prefer them one at a time. There were a lot of them today but all supporting my cause - raising autism awareness. I thank each and everyone of them for taking the time to come there, talk to me, see my pictures and listen to what I had to say. From the bottom of my heart ( yes, autists do have them ) I thank you!

Autism is neurological and genetic. It´s is a developmental disorder.

Sometime before birth little fault seems to occur in the brain. It´s a tricky fault because for the most part everything runs just fine and the baby that is born looks healthy and proper or so it seems. Elijah too looked healthy but he felt very different right from the start. "Don´t worry", the midwife and many other nurses and doctors would say during Elijahs first months after I repeatedly voiced my concerns to them, "he´ll be fine". But he wasn´t. He was diagnosed with Early Childhood Autism when he was 32 months old after a 13 months long odysee through doctors surgeries, hospitals and health centres. Elijah showed the classic signs of autism very early on. He was a really quiet baby, no trouble at all. No problems with feeding or sleeping. I carried him in a baby sling almost all day long. But he wasn´t interested in faces, he definitely prefered objects. He loved electronic sounds so much that he enjoyed this more than being talked to.He didn´t search for eyes instead looked away when our eyes searched his. He didn´t produce the happy little gurgling sounds, didn´t imitate, didn´t smile. There was almost no social responsive behaviour at all. Elijah was not a social being. Later on he didn´t start to point at things or showed any signs of shared attention. Hell, he didn´t even show ID ( Intentionality detector ) that is to follow a moving object with his eyes. But no one especially not the health visitor ( like a nurse ) or the doctors I took him to took any of that seriously. Uta Frith writes that the end of the second year of life the tiny neurological fault becomes more visible with sometimes horrendous results. Elijah was 19 months old when he lost all the abilities he had by then. He lost the little eye contact that was there, he stopped playing, couldn´t feed himself anymore, lost what littel speech was there, gestures and mimic went to zero and he sat in the corner with his back to us spinning spoons, red spoons. I knew it was autism and I said it oud loud but no one wanted to hear it. We lost valuable time taking him to the ear doctor because they believed he was deaf. We knew he wasn´t becuase he reacted to special words like "whale" and "aua". Words he liked. But he was being fitted with hearing aids, a torture for any hearing person let alone an autistic child. After fighting for nearly 6 months to have a BERA (Brainstem Evoked Response Audiometry) we were told our deaf child had 98% hearing capacity. We were on the road again, searching for someone to have the guts to diagnose autism so that we could get Elijah the help he so desperately needed. We didn´t know that a diagnosis did not mean he would get that help. We did not know that we had to fight for it every bit of the way. We did not know that for most of that way we would be on our own. We did not know how apallingly disabled people are treated in this country. But we were about to find out.

Elijah ist ja keiner für große Worte, sondern eher Handlungen.

Aber heute hat er sich mal wieder verbal selber übertroffen, indem

er das Wort Kaninchen wiederholt hat.

In der Sprachtherapie..eine Woche vor Ostern...Mission geglückt :)

Am Montag beginnt meine Ausstellung The Art of Inklusion im Neuen Rathaus in Leipzig.

Die Kunst der Inklusion -  ein schwieriges Thema. Überall und jederman redet von Inklusion, ja manch einer schreit es förmlich in die Welt. Aber wie steht es denn wirklich mit der Inklusion autistischer Menschen? Ist die Gesellschaft wirklich bereit zum Mitmensch-Sein mit autistischen Menschen und wie zeigt man uns autistischen Menschen diese Bereitschaft. Indem immer wieder autistische Kinder aufgrund ihrer Behinderung von Schulen fliegen, auch von speziellen Schulen für Autisten? Indem 95% aller Autisten in Deutschland arbeitslos sind? Indem die Eltern autistischer Kinder mit den Ämtern um Frühförderung kämpfen müssen? Indem sie sich von den Krankenkassen Pflegestufen und Hilfsmittel wie Sprachcomputer erstreiten müssen? Indem sie von Ärzten auf oft monatelange Odyseen geschickt werden? Indem man sie warten läßt und durch die oft sehr späte Diagnose viel wertvolle Zeit verloren geht? Inklusion ist ein schönes großes Wort, was im Moment aber eher nach Illusion klingt. Heute haben wir keine Inklusion, aber das heißt nur, dass wir weiterhin darum kämpfen müssen. Aus diesem Grund gibt es The Art of Inclusion. In der Kunst ist es schon heute möglich Inklusion auf allen Ebenen zu erreichen und zu zeigen. Über 80 Persönlichkeiten aus Kultur, Wissenschaft und Politik haben zum Stift oder zum Pinsel gegriffen und das "halbe" Gesicht vervollständigt, welches ich Ihnen zugeschickt habe. Vom 2.4.-13.4.2012 sind 39 dieser tollen Kunstwerke im Neuen Rathaus in Leipzig zu sehen. Die Ausstellung findet unter der Schirmherrschaft von Leipzig OBM und AoI-Co-Zeichner Burkhard Jung statt. Ich freue mich, zum 5. Weltautismustag den 1. Geburtstag von The Art of Inclusion feiern zu können und freue mich auf ein interessantes Jahr im Sinne der Inklusion.

who would have thought we come this far

when we were told never to reach for a star

but we went out in a world we didn´t know

we put a smile on our faces so fear wouldn´t show

it was us against the world back then

thick as blood until you ran

never looked back to where I stood

I hoped but I knew then you never would

so where do we go from where we are

will we ever again reach for that star

together, alone side by side

how long do you think you can hide

I know you will never read these lines

I know you will never see the signs

I know you will never return to me

I know it all but I don´t want to see.

So I close my eyes and turn back the years

everything is back, the laughter, the joy and the fears

who would have thought it would come to this

it is you who I will always miss.

After another "gluten accident" Thursday night my "gluten brain" is slowly getting back to normal. Yesterday I found it rextremely difficult to think, formulate thoughtsor even articulate myself in a coherent fashion. Everything is slower and things are harder to comprehend. My "mind palace" is then in a state of emergency. Thank God it is weekend!

Today at the Max Planck Institute in Leipzig I had my first ever encounter with an MRI scanner. It was only a dry run but hell I did feel my amygdala reacting. It was really weird being pushed into this really really narrow tube. I immediately got a strong feeling of being stuck. To compensate for this sensation my subconscious mind reminded me of a Bones episode where the two main characters were buried alive. Needless to say this did not help. I tried to think of a beach and massive amounts of space and had some success with it. In the end I told my amygdala to just get a grip and let me deal with it. So I successfully made it through the five minute trial session. The next time I will be entering one of these I have to be in there for one hour. That´s 60 minutes, 3600 seconds...isn´t that eternity? But if I am a good proband ( or do they say guinea pig ? ) I will get a scan picture of my brain which would make me the happiest person ever to walk the streets ( for a while anyway as we all know that happiness doesn´t last).

Is there anything, just one little thing that might make a Monday better?

Let me assure you there are at least 8 reasons to enjoy a Monday 

You are welcome to add to my list :)

1. Elijah smiling

2. good weather with plenty of sunshine, preferrably a summer´s day

3. chocolate or any other nice and craved for food

4. not having to go out meaning no people

5. no post on Mondays, so no bills or reminders 

6. watching Sherlock ... again

7. realising I could have won the million on Who wants to be a Millionaire?

8. knowing there will be 6 days between this and the next Monday

Become the brightest star.

How can I possibly wirte anything useful when Sherlock Holmes is calling for my attention. Not the old series or films or even books. No, Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson in London of the 21st century. A must see. An absolute must see. So, you understand, I must go.

far away yet still too near

harmony can never cover fear

fighting a fight that is already lost

staying alive at any cost

breathing needs reminding now

just getting through the night somehow

tomorrow always offers a brand new chance

to see, to feel, to live and dance

tonight I cannot her the music that usually is in me

cannot find a hold in pictures I normally see

I am surrounded only by my self once again

I know it will end, just don´t know when.

It all looks so great from a distance though

only if closer you will feel the blow

so stay away from me right now

it is something I cannot allow.

we all belong to the same world, the same oceans, the same heaven and the same fire

anyone who tries to tell you differently is a lousy liar

we all belong to the same light, the same darkness, the same stars

everyone laughs and cries and suffers, each one of us has hidden scars

we all belong to the same nights, the same days

yet we all have to choose our own ways

still we belong together

Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.

W. Clement Stone

A thousand pieces all over the place, neither here nor there

not one of those I would want to be, no matter where.

Cannot find the connection between myself and me

don´t know where to look anymore, what to see.

It´s suspension, a waiting of a very new kind

I should sit and wait, see what I´ll find.

It truly seems like my only choice

to listen to this new kind of voice.

The only one that can always be right

the one that is coming from inside.

I have been waiting long enough

The way has been long and tough.

I am beginning to see the reason for it

understanding it all at once and bit for bit.

Nothing is ever simple and easy to figure out

light is darkness, up is down and silence is loud.

The secret to finding myself is not in the search after all

it´s about letting go of all pieces gone and watching those fall. 

It certainly is not easy to listen to my own voice, whether it is the real own and the inner own.

It takes some getting used to. I find it easier now that I have decided to do it. It is hard to hear my own voice when so many people around me give me rejections. It blurs my vision at times which is not good at all. So I am trying to keep focused, to stay true to myself and to be positive.

when you realise that you cannot please everyone 

but that amazing moment

when you realise that this is not necessary :)

Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Act because you need to act.

Paulo Coelho

This might be true to some extend. I experience it a lot different too though. After the seminars on autism that I give together with my best friend we seem to get a lot back and our efforts are recognised. Okay, people might not (yet) have discovered our genius but that is really not what it´s all about. It´s about trying again and again. So yes, we act because we need to act for us and for the autistic people near us and those far away, and for the parents and carers, for the teachers and therapists, we need to act. That´s what we do and we do it well.

An extra day to take a leap.

Elijah did just that today. For the first time ever he imitiated another child.

It was such a fantastic moment. What a leap!!! What a leap!!!

Where I am now is where I dreamt I could be

where I want to be is where I will have dreamt myself to be.

Who I am now is who I dreamt I could be

who I will be is who I will have turned myself into.

What I am doing now is what I dreamt I could do

what I will do is what I will have wanted to do.

When .... Now!

On days where I had a lot of dealings with a lot of people, I like to come home and have an empty head. I just want to be by myself. I slow right down at the end of those days. I imagine that during this time I am even more difficult to live with then I normally am. But the more I try to stay in the game the worse it gets. As of now I have decided to have those brain dead end of days and just be as slow as I need to be. After all, it does me the world of good to stall a bit. So there you go. Another side of me.

Ieri notte THE NOIR HOUR ha avuto un riscontro straordinario, senza precedenti!!… ♥ Per riviverne le emozioni ecco il link per ascoltarne l'intera puntata in streaming!!… ♥ Sisters Of Mercy, Leonard Cohen, Ennio Morricone, Bob Dylan, Jeff Buckley, Lisa Dal Bello e altri… presentati dalla voce e da...

Well done, my friend Dani Macchi of Belladonna for lighting up my Sunday night with The Noir Hour :)

The Noir Hour Sundays 11 -12 p.m.  

www.rocknrollradio.it

A brush with fate again today:

Everything happens for a reason. And whatever happens we must look for the good in it for it is there.

We must accept the things to which fate binds us whether we like it or not, and love the people with whom fate brings us together but do so with all of our heart.

To think I might not have been able to sit here and type these words

makes me appreciate everything that I have even more.

I am not really religious but I believe I had a Guardian Angel today.

es ist ein Abenteuer den eigenen Himmel zu finden

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2Vr1ODCUag&feature=related

If you feel you cannot go on, cannot move anymore

that´s is the moment to make more plans

to stop crying and wipe away the tears

to set yourself a new goal

to reach for a new star

to pick yourself up

to stand tall

and to move forward

So many words I don´t understand, so many words I never seem to find,

never stops me from searching for them. It´s trying which matters not succeeding.

That´s just a bonus. Of course, I´ll go for the bonus : ) Every day I´ll try. There is

nothing else I want more than to change the world into a place that will welcome

autistic people. A new age. For my son, for 67 milion autistic people worldwide and

for me too. I´ll find the right words. I´ll reach the people. Even if I have to do it one person

at a time. Trust me I will.

kind words from a stranger in my head today

wondering what in turn I could say

Being a perfectionist can be hell.

Why can´t I at least be contend with myself?

every time when words are not enough

every time when talking gets too tough

the man at the piano begins to play

without words he knows just what to say

so he tells the story beginning to end

he doesn´t know me, isn´t my friend

yet he knows things I never told 

as he keeps playing I am feeling cold

he never looks at me but into my soul

it means nothing, nothing at all 

Dear World,

why is it so hard for you to understand to understand autism?

If you want to know more,

please feel free to aks me,

Gee

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."  

(from the film We bought a zoo)

Years ago my dear friend Screaming Lord Sutch ( Leader of The Monster Raving Loony Party) issued me with a certificate of insanity. So what am I worried about. I should be absolutely fine. Thanks Dave!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNZVV4Ciccg&feature=share

Please watch this video.

There is one thing I can definitely do better than anyone else in the world - be myself.

I always tried to be more approachable by trying to be less me.

I am beginning to figure out that it doesn´t work that way.

The problem with giving up quickly is that one tends to look at how far one still has to go and not how far one has already come.

It is far harder and takes so much more courage to reveal and admit my insecurities than to hide them like I always have done. I need more strength to get in touch with people than to avoid them. It is far more difficult to think things through than to give in to reflex. It´s not the muscles that need to be strong but the soul. Each time I face what I fear most I amaze myself at how strong I really am, how confident I can be and brave I have become. It´s easy to give up. It doesn´t take any learning, anyone can do it. So it´s not a challenge worth taking on. Carrying on, keeping the fight up even though it would be understandable if I gave up, that is a challenge I am willing to take on. And from will comes strength. I have that will to succeed in my life. My life not someone else´s!

Monday signals the end of the refuelling period that the weekend is for me.

Each Monday I hope that I will come up with something so great that by next Monday I would be world renowned.

Some Mondays it is better to stay inside the house, preferably in bed than to spend the rest of the week trying to shake off an awful Monday.

The best thing is to wake up on a Monday and realising that I haven´t got a single obligation all week.

We all have our own Foreverland.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZK3Hyfq52qY

Belladonna European Tour 2012

http://www.facebook.com/belladonnaband?ref=ts

I think I have just understood why it is called friendship.

You can lose an anchor but you must never lose the whole ship.

Whilst it is not so important where we stand right now

it truly matters where we go from here.

Our destination is not one specific place

but always a new way at  looking at life.

And if we want to reach a new port,

we must sail, with or against the winds.

So this is my  time to lift the anchor and trust the ship,

the friend.ship

It´s been a long hard day ...

I, of course, put my foot in it quite a few times.

And just when I thought I was done with this day

there was that light at the end of the tunnel

and it wasn´t a freight train.

They say good things happen to good people.

Then I must be have been a good person today.

It´s been a long hard day but it´s been worth it.

I had this idea...to come up with a solution for autism.

I have made this idea my life.

I think of it, I dream of it, I live for that idea.

My brain is full of that idea, all my nerves, all my muscles,

every fibre of my body is full of that idea.

Nothing else really matters to me.

And I will succeed, I have to

for mine and my son`s sake.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." Today I truly hope that he is right! Friendship with another person only becomes possible when there is a friendship with oneself. It is exactly  what I lack. And on days like this one I am reminded of it. I know more than often I do things wrong, I say what I shouldn´t say but believe me it is always with the best intentions. Just know if every word I said could make you happy I would talk forever. 

Ich werde versuchen zu vergessen was gewesen

werde vergessen, vergeben, genesen.

Ich werde den Regen auf meiner Haut fühlen

er wird alles Gewesene einfach wegspülen.

Ich werde den einen Ort für mich finden

und dort wird die Liebe niemals schwinden.

Ich werde meine eigenen Worte benutzen

du wirst sie lernen, die Welt soll ruhig stutzen.

Ich werde Geschichten erzählen die ganze Nacht

Geschichten nur für dich gelebt und gemacht.

Ich werde dir erzählen von der Schwere meines Sein

werde dann loslassen können alle Schmerzen und Pein

Ich werde aufhören zu weinen und still einfach warten

werde vergessen, vergeben können in deinem Garten

Ich werde dir zuschauen bei deinem Tanz

werde mich erfreuen für immer an deinem Glanz.

Ich werde verstehen, warum es Asche geben muss

werde ihn endlich begreifen meines Lebens Fluss.

Ich werde immer dort sein, wo du gerade weilst

werde dich heilen, so wie du mich heilst.

ne me quitte pas

bitte geh nicht, bitte bleib da

to see and enjoy what I have

not to ruin it by wishing for things I don´t have

because what I have right now

was what I once dearly wished for

it´s my life and it´s up to me to make it a good one

The only way to conquer darkness is with light.

Not anyone elses light. You have to be the star and shine your own light and follow down the path you see because it´s your path. I try not to worry about the darkness too much. I try to remember the darker it is the brighter the star shines. 

I want to achieve just once what I am convinced

would make me happy but only to prove that it is

actually not what happiness really is.

“Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.

Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow.

Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
Albert Camus

Thank you, my friend, for today for 2,9 km you did just that.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world,

the ones who do understand binary 

and the ones who don´t. 

And there are only two kinds of people in the world

those you divide into kinds and those who don´t.

Let us trust in music we cannot hear

let us face the things we mostly fear

let us dance for the mere sake of it

let us take new steps, bit by bit.

Let us lay trust in each others arm and heart

it is here where every dance must start

Let us not be disheartened by being out of tune

let us believe that we will learn to dance soon.

Then let us dance for laughter, let us dance for tears

dance for madness and dance for fears

dance for hopes and dance for screams

we are dancers, we make our dreams.

Let us dance. 

A new year is like a new book that we can all open. A book with as many empty pages as we require. It is up to each one of us to fill those pages with words. It is our book of opportunities and chances. The first chapter is New Years Day. So go on and write your book and make it a bestseller. Fill the pages with words that tell of hope, believe, happiness and most importantly words that tell about you. Share your book and leave it wide open for everyone to read. Let us each become a chapter in the other ones life. What a library we would create.

Happy New Year to all of you out there! 2012 come on in

Do not be afraid of silence.

Be silent and you can hear the whispers of the non speaking as silence is also speech.

Just listen, don´t say anything, don´t reply. Right now saying nothing...says the most.

Silence can be an answer in itself. The inexpressible can only be expressed with silence.

Life is always a quest for the truth. And some parts of it need to be walked in silence.

If you find a true friend you are very fortunate.

If you manage to keep him then you are truly blessed

Friends are the most important thing in life.

Friends are like islands.

Islands you can rely on,

you can come to anytime you need to.

Together we form a continent.

I wish I could understand what I see

you are so far away right next to me

you promised you´d stay 

swore you wouldn´t go away

I wish I could understand what I hear

you are miles away yet near

you said you´d never leave

every good bye would be brief

I wish I knew what you mean

I hope I can remember everything I have seen

I pray I will not forget

everything you have ever said.

I wish I could keep you right here next to me

where you are I want to be

forever holding onto you

for you are so sincere and true.

It doesn´t take much to be a saint 

but there is so much to be gained

for once I am at the receiving end

because you are someone heaven has sent.

Imagine you were autistic...difficult, isn´t it.

Okay let me help you out here. Being autistic amongst neurotypical people is a little bit like defying gravity. You think it´s possible until you hit the ground at a hundred miles per hour.

Lifting yourself up again is a little bit like extreme sport.

You need all the strength you have and more to come back from that one.

If you are expecting applause than you will be disappointed because there is none.

What you have just done is of course close to a miracle but for any neurotypical

person it is nothing. They do it all the time without so much as to lift a finger.

Because it is nothing special to them, they will not be able to truly appreciate

your fantastic achievement. They will never know what you have to go through in

order to function resonably well, to reflect what they need to see. It seems that their

empathy is very selective and they do have a control over it.

If you are an autistic person reading this, then please carry on with what you are doing. You

are doing great. You are being the best you can be and no one can ask for any more than that.

If you are a neurotypical person reading this, then please use your empathy to put yourself into

our position now and again, walk in our shoes for a while and then step back and think again.

That will be one important step towards inclusion. As John Lennon said: Maybe I am a dreamer but I am not the only one...maybe some day you will join us.

Thank you!

Here I am lost amongst people...a feeling most of you will never know.

Over and out.

and what have you done?

Here is what I have done:

one poem published - Frankfurter Bibliothek (available on Amazon)

two Art of Inclusion exhibitions:

April - Leipzig            October - Hamburg

three Bareface Exhibitions:

Summer - Bad Lausick    June - Görlitz      November - London

ten autism seminars:

Leipzig - Halle - Meißen - Markkleeberg

Looking forward to 2012 which is going to be even better!

So watch this space!

I have been thinking about NTs and Christmas.

Could it be that perhaps Christmas is the only time in the year that neurotypical people can act on their true impulses? Could it be that at Christmas neurotypical people can show their true feelings without being embarrased by them? Could it further be that this is your only chance to be your-self? 

That would explain why Christmas is such a confusing time for us autistic people - because you all act weird and foolish. But you on the other hand really enjoy the Christmas season for it allows you to be who you really are? If so, then please do enjoy your Christmas but please try and carry on who you really are or want to be. Keep Christmas in your heart all year long.

Obviously it hasn´t completely bypassed me that most people in this world like the idea of Christmas. I wish I would, honestly. But for me Christmas means stress, not the stress you NT people get with not knowing which presents to buy for whom and what to eat and who to visit. My stress is different. It begins with knowing that my routines will change. At Christmas there will be no schools, no kindergarden and no therapy for Elijah. Big Change. And people want to visit or expect us to visit. Thankfully we don´t have many people in the family who wish this but still it means more changes to our routines. I don´t understand why suddenly and only because it is Christmas people remember us and are nice or pretend to be. For instance, I received a Christmas card today from someone who hasn´t called or written to me in the last five years. Why write now and without any explanation as to the long silence? I try and find the explanation with what litte ToM I have and I assume that they were writing their Christmas cards and I was still in the address book. Such things really upheave me, I mean really. Then there are the cards from people who will write you a Christmas card every year, short and unpersonal, and that is all they do. Again, why? Christmas seems to bring out something in people that is normally supressed and it still is really because otherwise if we really really cared about one another there would be no homeless, lonely or hungry people on Christmas. It´s the old principle, if everyone helped another person then each one of us would be helped. Nice theory but as we all know sadly doesn´t work. That´s also something that bothers me about Christmas. Besides all that there are the little bothers in a little poem

The bothers of Christmas

Even more people and too hectic as such

when normally I found it all too much.

Everything is louder and more alight

when normally I find it too noisy and too bright

Much to many different smells in the air

for an autistic nose this is highly unfair.

People behave different and in an odd way

ad I don´t know what to do or say.

It seems all about money and big presents

I find it sad that this is the Christmas essence.

the best presents are never found under the tree

it´s everything only your heart can see.

Still I say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

because it´s being differentthat  I mostly fear.

And I do wish that all of you have a great time this year

but please don´t forget it´s not for everyone here

But as best as I can, I join in and pretend

because one thing´s for sure: Christmas will end!

I know I am a human being yet I feel like an alien amongst other human being. But not only do I feel like this, I seem alien to them as well. Wrong planet? I don´t think so. I am human, I look human, I just do not keep to your rules. Not because I don´t want to and I also don´t want to annoy you. Truth is, even though I have learned about your rules and behaviour, I just can´t do it. I try, all the time. I think I understand your system better by now but that doesn´t mean I am able to fit in better. Wish it was that easy because you people mean something to me. A lot actually. It´s for you that I try. Please forgive me should I fail. Praise me for my good swimming when I have fallen over board again. 

When I reach for you finally

how do I know you won´t turn and run from me

I know you are afraid of heading my way

you are scared of what the mirror will say

I whisper to you softly looking straight into your eyes

you know I speak the truth, these are no lies.

I want to take you somewhere

somewhere you´ve never been

I want to show you things

things that you´ve never seen

I want to take you somewhere that is light years away

but I will only do it if you promise you´ll stay

I am not unhappy when I am alone.

Being alone does not mean I am lonely

quite the opposite, I restore myself when I am alone

most of the times I am lonely I am in the midst of people

people who judge me by my actions only

and do not see my intentions

people who do not see with their heart

and that makes me the unhappiest and loneliest person ever.

One of the people who inspire me and who give me a lot of hope is Leigh Anne Tuohy. 

She saw a person, a 17year old boy called Michael Oher, walking along the street on Thanksgiving, wearing just shorts and a T-Shirt and she asked: Why?. But that´s not where it ended, that´s where it began. She didn´t just take Michael into her car and into her house, she took him into her family and into her heart. And by doing that she changed his life!

This true story was made into a film "Blind Side" for which Sandra Bullock won a well deserved Oscar.

Go google it, watch the movie and see how it is done.

someone like me

wonders what you see

wonders what you hear

and if there´s anything you fear

someone like me

wonders how you can be

wonders how you make it through the day

without at the end having to pay

someone like me

is someone you see

would like to be just  like you

would like to to all these things too

someone like me

sadly is all I ever will be

More and more I am beginning to live in a conflict. A conflict between being my self and being a functional adult who tries to reflect what I think others want to see. Is this really the only way of becoming a part of this world? Why are people so scared of having their patterns broken, their routines interrupted and their expactations not met? That is what I do - I break your patterns. I don´t do it to annoy you. I don´t even think of you when I do it. It is who I am. it is what I do. But you are expecting a different behaviour from an adult. By the way you look at me when I am being me, by what you say to me when I don´t conform, by the way you treat me you are changing me. You are forcing me to give up my way of seeing the world which I can never really do. By making me try you are breaking me. Like a wild horse. I do want and need your help but please whisper to me. That way I can stay who I am but show you what you want to see. 

Neurotypische - normale- Wahrnehmung ( wer drauf besteht ) ist aufgrund der vorhandenen Theory of Mind doch eigentlich eine Wahrnehmung mit Vorurteilungen und von Erwartungen und Erfahrungen geprägt. 

Autistische Wahrnehmung ist eine bewusste - exakte - Wahrnehmung ohne Grenzen und Konventionen, mit der man die Welt so sieht, wie sie wirklich ist.

Lag wach die ganze lange Nacht

wieder zuviele Gedanken gemacht.

Komm nicht raus aus diesem Kreis

schleicht sich an jede Nacht ganz leis´

zu spät merke ich, wie sie nach mir greift

wie die Angst und auch der Zweifel in mir reift

unablässig an mir zerrt und reißt,

mich immer und immer wieder umkreist.

Mein Kämpfen und mich wehren, viel hilft es mir nicht

alle Grenzen sind immer verwischt

es gibt keine Unterschiede, kein schwarz und weiß,

kein oben, kein unten, nichts ist kalt und nichts heiß,

kein Körper, aber trotzdem sein

umgeben von Menschen und trotzdem allein.

Allein in meiner verrückten Welt,

aus der ich nicht raus kann, die mich gefangen hält.

Aber die auch Zuhause ist und letzte Zuflucht oft

hab trotzdem immer auf Wege nach draußen gehofft

wollte in einer anderen Welt voller Rätsel bestehen

und trotzallem meinen eigenen Weg gehen.

Genau das will ich immer noch

genau darum geht es im Leben doch.

Darüber denke ich nach die ganze lange Nacht

und das habe ich schon als kleines Kind so gemacht.

It means the world to me to know that I do mean something to someone else.

It is a priceless feeling to know that someone else considers me worth knowing.

It is a wonderful thought to have in my head to be important to someone else.

What is better than to know that there is someone who listens to what I say?

I have never before been aware of others as interested listeners. I have rarely

talked to other people, I just talked. I talked at people, about things that I wanted

to talk about. I wasn´t interested in what they had to say. I am learning a lot at

the moment because I am being taught. Because I mean something to

someone else.

ein schöner Moment heute: dies lesen zu dürfen

"Wenn Liebe zu einem anderen Wesen sich nicht mit dem Bedürfnis verbindet,

dieses andere Wesen auch zu erkennen,

das heißt zu verstehen und

aus solchem Verstehen heraus die richtigen Formen des Umganges zu finden,

dann fehlt der Liebe etwas Wesentliches,

dann bleibt sie im Ansatz stecken." 

(Quelle ist mir leider unbekannt)

Ich dachte, du bist der jemand,

der jemand, der die ungesagten Worte versteht,

der zuhört, der nicht geht.

Ich dachte, du bist der jemand,

der jemand, der die Farben in meinen Bildern sieht,

der hinschaut, der nicht vor mir flieht.

Vielleicht bist du auch dieser jemand

und du darfst es nur nicht sein?

Darfst nicht geben, was ich brauch,

so wie jemand anders vor dir auch?

Ich werde weiter suchen und immer hoffen auf dieses Ziel,

denn gebe ich jetzt auf, dann verliere ich zu viel.

Der Gedanke, dass da draußen dieser jemand ist,

reicht aus, dass so einjemand wie ich die Hoffnung nicht vergißt,

dass ich den Glauben nicht verliere

und irgenwann meinen Traum realisiere.

I am no one special just someone trying hard

to find the right way, to arrive somewhere

someone trying to belong, to be part

yet I am neither here nor there

I am no one special, not to anyone, not even to you

no matter how hard I try

no matter what I do

yet I don´t know why

I am just someone trying my very best

but for the wrong reason and the wrong way round

I mean nothing more to you than the rest

it´s a painful truth with an honest sound

I can be someone special, very special indeed

not for you though but for me

I can give myself all that I need

and be the person I want to be.

How I wish you could all stay, stay with me and never leave, forever.

I wish that I could keep you forever never having to fear that you will walk away.

Yet it is not possible for me to keep more than your pictures and the memory,

not possible to keep more than moments we shared and I locked in my heart.

No begging, no crying will change the fact that all of you will go, vanish into 

somewhere beyond my reasoning and way out of my reach.

But for all the pain I am still glad to have known you, to have been with you and

for a while to have been one of you.

To loose something is better than to never have had it at all.

What if I need you just too damn much

need your closeness, need your touch

anything you are giving

I am just happy to be taking

yet you are someone I should do without

they don´t know the things I don´t say out loud.

Oh I try to be strong

but you are the right kind of wrong.

I can´t help it  every time I try to run

you´re the one I run to

I know I should go

but I just need you so

you´re the right kind of wrong

Bareface today did it again.

becoming famous -just a question of when.

Sold two of my pictures in London today

I want one too, I hear you say?

No problem at all just look around

there are many cool pictures to be found.

Better get one now while you still can

go on, I know you are a Bareface fan.

Come on, don´t be shy

just buy a picure and don´t ask why

one day you´ll be glad you have a Bareface on your wall

oh, don´t just get one, why not buy them all.

How can I fly without my wings?

What kind of bird that never sings?

Without direction where should I go?

Why are you leaving when I need you so?

No answers for these questions of mine.

One wrong move, just one step out of line

the consequences would be final, I fear

the message at last would be loud and clear.

Why can´t you hear me when I quietly speak

and give me what I so desperately seek?

I know I am asking way too much

it is far too late for a mother´s touch.

Still for a moment you gave me just that

something I have never ever had.

So I am on the ground again

waiting to rise out of the ashes but don´t know when

as always nearly destroyed, wounded, burnt

not everything lost, lots learned.

I will learn to fly, no, to soar

never accept, always wanting more.

I will succeed at what I do

something deep down I always knew

staying a believer is a hard thing to retain

there are times I think I will go insane.

That´s why I need to be ashes from time to time

it´s not giving up, it´s not a crime.

It´s gathering strength to fly once more

that´s what the ashes days are for.

So don´t leave me like that and pity me

just know that this is who I am always going to be

a beautiful phoenix and dark ashes in one

I am the black night and the red hot sun

I am what you don´t want to see because you are somewhere within me.

I definitely need to learn how to crash land meaning I need to learn to respond to any crisis which interferes with the operation of my functional I. A forced landing is never something to be proud of, it is like a failure but it certainly is better than a crash. But without any flying lessons, without an instructor is it still possible to be a good pilot? Or is wanting to fly something I should not desire? I have crashed so many planes... 

Für den Menschen gibt es nur eine Wahrheit,

das ist die, die aus ihm einen Menschen macht.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry Wind, Sand und Sterne

Für einen autistischen Menschen gibt es auch nur eine Wahrheit,

nämlich die, die aus ihm einen Autisten macht.

don´t say you can´t because you can

don´t say you´re no good because you are

don´t say it´s your fault because it isn´t

and it never was

don´t say you it isn´t worth it 

because it always is

How often does the realisation that I am just not made for this world have to hit me before I get it?

But then again, if I did get it what good what that do? Somebody please figure that out for me and let me know? Thank you so much!

just 8  letters, 2 simple words

only I know how much it hurts

and with what effect it does come

the souls turning dark and and I feel numb

movements slow down and all noise suddenly drops

there is nothing but wait until it stops

then in pitch darkness a light will re-appear

I begin to feel, move, see and hear

the light touches me, skin, body and soul

and with new found strength I pull myself out of this hole.

I don´t know how many times I have done this before

all I know is I don´t want to do this anymore

How can we be like enemies when we are only flesh and blood?

What does it take to make your heart bleed?

I want a chance to know you better and for you to know me.

I am a part of you. 

I am afraid of it to but can´t we even talk.

There is a part of me that wants to call you up and talk

but there is also a part of me that wants to shut you out for good.

I´ve learned to live without you. 

Will I ever talk to you again?

I started my Thursday with a visit to a special school for great kids in Borna, 20min from home. What a lovely place I discovered, an island for Elijah. Fingers crossed that he will be able to be a student there. Then I went on to Leipzig where after a few other engagements I attended the monthly meeting of my art group which was truly enjoyable today. It was dark, cold and late by the time I got home. But good news awaited me there too: Elijah will keep his care level III until July 2014, I have another "yes" from a well-known VIP for The Art of Inclusion and a really nice letter from Frau Merkel, the German chancellor. So, today I can honestly say, I have had a good day. Phoenix rising!

How to loose friends and alienate people?

It´s easy, be autistic.

If you want to know more contact the expert

on sumsitua2009-bin@yahoo.com

I am a phoenix bird who always expects to rise from the ashes of my latest disaster.

I hope I always will. The ashes days are hard but the outlook is great.

I can´t wait to fly again.

I may not be normal in the sense of having a neurotypical brain but I am able ( on good days ) to cover my-self with a seemingly functioning "I personality". It took me years to come up with first the idea and then this patchwork of a person, an excellent actor who has to take over whenever socially adaquate behaviour becomes necessary which is as soon as I have to deal with or be around other people, so most of the time. It would appear that getting the autism diagnosis has made it a lot harder because I often feel that I am being forced to act because it is what society wants to see and not how I want to be.And I am also more aware of my deficits but I don´t get more help with it because I cover it so well most of the time that people do not believe that I do have these problems. If on my gravestone it read "Here lies someone no one truly knew" or even "...no one truly wanted to know" it would be sad but the truth. On the other hand, I really want to belong in this world, I want to fit in, always have done. It was my motivation and it still is. It got me where I am today. It hurts me that people do not see my achievements and do not realise what I have to to in order to accomplish what comes naturally to them. They have no idea how hard it is to get through the day. They would not understand how much it takes to walk amongst them, to talk to them and to be around them. It is the awareness of others, the confrontation with other people that causes me to become aware of self and if I do not regulate this, it will become self confrontation which I am not able to sustain. That´s when the phoenix turns into ashes. Autism...autos...self....does not mean I want to be with myself. To the contrary there is nothing worse for me than becoming aware of self. This is where my problems begin. This is where autism begins. Unfortunately self-wawareness ismostly caused by other-awareness. Professor Tony Attwood once said that there is a very simple yet effective way which on top of that doesn´t cost anything that can cure autism within minutes: let the autistic person go to their room and shut the door from the outside. Alone in the room, he or she isn´t autistic anymore. Very true but not what I want. Thanks for reading.

Some days I am really aware of being autistic. Today was such a day.

Everything was hard today, every movement, every word, every look.

I felt my self all the time, no break, no running away. I wanted to but

I didn´t. I wanted to endure self, maybe get to know it a little, befriend it.

It is scary to look into a mirror staring into a strangers eyes yet knowing they

are mine. I wonder what those eyes in the mirror see. It is weird looking

at hands I cannot feel but knowing they belong to me. It surprises me that

most of the time they obey me too. It is petrifying to talk to people when the

self is so nearby and not under my control. It is hard being self but it is who

I am and who I will always be...

autistic me.

So, yesterday for the second time in the life of this website no blog. I do hope you weren´t too disappointed but you might have asked "why". Well, the simple truth is, I forgot. Sorry! I am very bussy right now though because I seem to have found a way to get the I and the self  to work together. The problem isn´t just that they don´t work together but that the I which I had to create in order to function isn´t a very good one. The self in order to develop and grow up needs a much better and stronger I. It´s going to be hard work but I not just willing to give it a go, I will do it. This is my chance to get where I want to be and to be who I can be. In the meantime please bear with me.

I promise you daily blogs!

my life seems like a huge stormy ocean

where just one single wave can throw me overboard.

if there is no island nearby I am lost.

By God I have spilt my beans today.

There was either nothing or all to say

and a choice of closed eyes or see

Eyes wide shut doesn´t work anymore for me.

As long as I keep talking into the right ear

there is nothing that I would have to fear.

Spelling it out hurts just the same

causes all the pain, all the shame.

Awakens memories that should have been erased years ago

and I ride the rollercoaster once again -high and low

I already know I will pay for the ride like I always do

they say time heals all wounds, but it just isn´t true.

Full house again.

Girls back home after one week away.

All back to "normal". 

I need that right now.

My children are my reason to be.
They are all my reasons! 

I´ve had mail. 

From Asperger-Expert Professor Tony Attwood.

He finds The Art of Inclusion an "intriguing project"

and he would very much like to take part. That is

really great news for AoI! So next week Bareface

is off to Australia! That´s motivation pure. Just 

what the doctor ordered!

Wer Inklusion will, sucht Wege -.

wer sie verhindern will, sucht Begründungen.

Huppert Hüppe

Beauftragter  der Bundesregierung für die Belange behinderter Menschen

Dann fangen Sie mit der Aufklärung mal im Bundestag an, Herr Hüppe.

Nach einer mündlichen Zusage im März 2011 für eine Art of Inclusion Ausstellung im Deutschen Bundestag, wurde mir im Juli 2011 in einem Einzeiler mitgeteilt, dass der Bundestag beschlossen hat, dass "die Arto of Inclusion abzulehnen sei".

Keine Behinderten im Deutschen Bundestag. Das ist eine traurige, aber klare Ansage.

wer mehr lesen will:

http://www.kobinet-nachrichten.org/cipp/kobinet/custom/pub/content,lang,1/oid,27801/ticket,g_a_s_t

the cat is back in the house

but will she ever catch another mouse

she´s one leg short as of today

oh, how said, I hear you say

it is indeed a tragic story I can tell

but with a good ending to it as well

she doesn´t walk like she used to do

she is hopping more like a kangaroo

now it´s gone that left back leg

there is nothing to scratch that side of her neck

I´ll have to do that while she curls up on my lap

and purrs as she is taking her afternoon nap.

she hasn´t got nine lifes left anymore

but then her life hasn´t been a bore

let´s hope that she will be as happy as a cat can be

even though legs she has now just three.

one of these days it´s gonna be all too much

it´s gonna spill over and run away with me

I won´t be able to stop feeling it´s touch

won´t be able to hear and see

that it will blow over like all the other times

it´ll be between myself and me

the "I" will be the one that mimes

a happy-go-lucky person that I wasn´t going to be

but nevertheless, it´ll be the last thing you´ll see

For starters, my Monday started to early.

Then I realised that I was € 10 short.

Then I got a phone call from Elijah´s Kindergarden asking where he was...he was 15 minutes late.

turns out Richard and Elijah got caught in a huge traffic jam.

Then I was worried sick for about 10 minutes until I could get hold of Richard.

Then the busdriver (idiot) didn´t stop at our bus stop and we had to run after it like idiots.

Then my mother passed on some totally useless information ( nothing new here)

Then we didn´t get seats on the train because apparently bags also have a right to a seat.

Then after loudly talking about that some people (bless them) did make some room.

Then sunshine came back into my day as I picked Elijah up from his therapy and

then everything went very well ( except for a stupid letter)

so the world keeps turning, night follows day and Monday comes after Sunday and shit happens and you can´t stop it, rewind or fast forward. you just have to endure and accept it as something that will never change. instead change the things you are able to change. 

What if I was somebody anybody? What if anyone cared albout me?

Is there still time? Would I notice? Would I be able to understand?

After all that happened to me, would I be able to recognize the good in 

it? Would I be able to see that peope were trying to help?

I have been left to deal with everything on my own, by myself for too long.

I have learnt a long time ago not to show any pain. I have learnt to smile when

all I wanted to do was cry. But there was no one to hold and soothe me. I know

there never will be. It was the hardest lesson to learn.

there aren´t any days when I don´t suffer me.

but I´ll do my best for you not to see

I hide my self away and replace it with an "I"

it´s what I need to do, it´s not a lie

I am protecting most of all me, that you must know

you wouldn´t like it if my autism would always show

don´t say that it wouldn´t matter to you

it would, I know and you do too.

I am someone that no one has known

I am someone whose true self must never be shown

I am someone who sees the world different to you

but I am still a good person, and so are you

38 years of not knowing changed something

and so has knowing